Mutual appreciation is certainly one of the pillars of the home. A spouse, like every person, needs to be appreciated and to receive sincere compliments from time to time. This is a vital need everywhere—in the workplace, in school, in the family, and certainly within marriage. The same is true in raising children: the ability to find positive points in our children and emphasize them to ourselves and to them is a genuine lever for growth. Likewise, in the workplace, a manager who knows how to give positive feedback rather than only looking for what to criticize may achieve better results over time.
It is said in the name of the hidden tzaddik and mekubal, Rabbi Tzion Berachah zt”l, that he interpreted the verse in Tehillim (chapter 119), “Seven times a day I praise You,” to mean that every man should praise his wife at least seven times each day (cited in the book Yevarech Et Amo, p. 11). Rabbi Simcha Cohen zt”l would say that someone who does not give his spouse at least five compliments every day has not truly married yet… He would add that a husband who does not compliment his wife that the food was tasty is a thief, because the real reason she invested effort in preparing the food was simply to receive a compliment for it.
When discussing compliments from a wife to her husband, there is an additional need beyond the encouragement itself. It is part of a man’s nature that it is important to him to benefit his wife; this is what gives a husband true satisfaction in married life. If his wife does not give him feedback, he may feel frustrated, even without knowing why.
To assist you somewhat with this important task, with Hashem’s help we will present several basic guidelines on the subject, followed by a list of ideas for virtues from which compliments and praise can be developed.
Noticing the virtues of others
The root of giving compliments is, of course, having a “good eye”: noticing and seeing the virtues of others. This is where many people find difficulty, because sometimes this trait of having a “good eye” is not natural to a person and requires practice. It is like physical exercise: the more one does it, the more fit one becomes, until it eventually becomes second nature. Yet practicing this requires inner work. As is known, Rabbi Elimelech of Lizhensk zt”l, in the text of his well-known prayer, even prayed to merit this trait: “On the contrary, place in our hearts that each of us should see our fellow’s virtues and not his shortcomings.”
An important tip: when looking for virtues in one’s spouse, children, and so on, one should keep in mind that “a person is close to himself” (Yevamot 22b; Sanhedrin 9b). A person tends to value more highly virtues in areas in which he himself is strong. For example, someone talented in the realm of action—enterprising, successful, and the like—may notice virtues in that area more readily, and pay less attention to character traits. Conversely, a person with positive character traits—such as a good heart or a calm disposition—may place greater weight on character and not be as impressed by positive accomplishments, and so on. Therefore, when we come to recognize the virtues of our spouse, our children, and everyone around us, we must make an effort to step outside our own framework and appreciate every virtue as such.
Guidelines for an effective compliment
It is important to note that when complimenting another person, the compliment must be sincere. One must genuinely believe what one says; otherwise, the other person certainly will not accept the compliment. Consciously or subconsciously, he will sense the insincerity and feel that it is worthless flattery rather than constructive and encouraging praise.
Another especially important rule, which is not always widely known, is that when complimenting one’s spouse or anyone else, it should be done as an equal and not condescendingly. If one feels, “I am complimenting you now in order to give you some self-confidence,” such a compliment has little value, because the other person feels demeaned, even if only subconsciously. If there are differences in status, such as a parent and children or a teacher and students, this is less problematic; nevertheless, even in those cases, the most desirable and effective compliment comes from the feeling: “I am complimenting you because I cannot help but praise you for such a wonderful virtue.”
Incidentally, some people are afraid of compliments, as though they obligate them. But one must not give up, because every person needs appreciation; with such people, one must compliment wisely and gently. Similarly, a person must know how to receive compliments. This does not mean becoming arrogant, G-d forbid, but simply thanking the person who offered the kind word and saying, “Thank you!”
A list of virtues, compliments, and encouragement
One of the basic tools that helps us notice the virtues of others is writing a list of virtues. Simply sit down and write for yourself all the virtues of your spouse; this will awaken you to see him or her in a much more positive light.
A list of virtues is also important for giving compliments, so that one can encourage one’s spouse from time to time, say a kind word, and sometimes even write an encouraging letter. When we have written down a list of praises for ourselves, it is much easier in the moment—when we notice that a particular virtue is being expressed—to draw upon it.
To make this task easier, below is a list of virtues and compliments from which you can select those that genuinely suit your spouse, child, student, and so on. Of course, the intention is not to say or write these words exactly as they appear. Rather, they are themes upon which one can develop, elaborate, expand, and tailor a compliment.
It should be noted that some items on the list are slang expressions, because this is, after all, the way people praise and encourage one another. This gives the compliment a lighter, less formal tone, so the user should know when their use is appropriate.
Compliments about character traits
- Courteous
- Loved by everyone
- Loves people
- Loves children
- Loves learning
- Loves helping
- Loves reading
- Enjoys conversation
- Optimistic
- Strong character
- Responsible
- A person of quality
- Caring
- Trustworthy
- Brave
- Genuine
- Humane
- Energetic
- Assertive
- Noble
- Mature
- Modest
- Well-grounded
- Easygoing
- Has strong emunah
- Self-confident
- Has derech eretz
- Kind and giving
- Talented in learning
- Has a heart of gold
- Warm and welcoming
- Has good middot
- Energetic
- Giving
- Has a good eye
- Principled
- Full of joy
- Flexible
- Dominant
- Punctual
- Decisive
- Accommodating
- Careful
- Easygoing
- Quick and diligent
- Likeable
- A people person
- Sociable
- Thoughtful
- Positive
- Vibrant
- Smiling
- Warm
- Hardworking
- Good
- Kind-hearted
- Thorough
- Stable
- Upright
- Humble
- Not shy
- Not critical
- Not opinionated
- Not quick-tempered
- Not stubborn
- Not stingy
- Not loud
- Not controlling
- Warm-hearted
- Balanced
- Organized
- A leader
- Thoughtful and measured
- Respectful
- Respected
- Accepting
- A leader
- Orderly
- Devoted
- Interesting
- Practical
- Encouraging
- Funny
- Accepting
- Punctual
- A good listener
- Cheerful
- Family-oriented
- Moderate
- Considerate
- Interested
- Loyal
- Generous
- Relaxed
- Pleasant-mannered
- Pleasant to talk with
- Clean
- Tolerant
- Authoritative
- Spontaneous
- Gentle
- Strong
- Cheerful
- Humble
- Independent
- Values-driven
- Simple
- Laughing
- Easygoing
- Level-headed
- Level-headed
- Takes initiative
- Calm
- Sensitive
- Sensitive to others
- Compassionate
- Emotional
- Serious
- Conservative
- Witty
- Level-headed
- Quiet
- Innocent
- Cultured
Compliments about effort, investment, and achievements
(In this area, there is less need for a list, because one can mention the achievements themselves; therefore, the list mainly addresses traits related to action.)
- An excellent homemaker
- Dynamic
- Initiative-taking
- Efficient
- Kol hakavod!
- Organized
- Quick
- Successful
- Polite
- High-achieving
- Invests effort
- Makes an effort
- Helps gladly / always / wholeheartedly
- Punctual
- Active
- Energetic and active
Compliments about skills
- An artist
- Intelligent
- Emotional intelligence
- Excellent interpersonal skills
- Has a sense of humor
- Technically skilled
- Tactful
- Handy
- Has common sense
- A genius
- Wise
- Practical wisdom
- Knows how to cook / cooks deliciously
- Knows how to play music
- Creative
- Good speaking skills
- Talented
- A Torah scholar
- Understands things well
- Gifted
- Perceptive
- An outstanding genius
- Deep
- Sharp
- Good communication skills
Spiritual compliments
- Love of Hashem
- Love of Torah
- A ben Torah
- Has emunat chachamim
- Sound Torah outlook
- G-d-fearing
- Yeshivish
- Not modern
- Meticulous in halachah
- Honors parents
- Accepts da’at Torah
- Consults rabbanim
- Diligent in Torah study
- Righteous
- Modest
- Spiritual
- Proper / good / lofty aspirations
- Guards his or her eyes
- Guarded
- Diligent
Compliments about appearance (for one’s spouse)
- Healthy
- Charming
- Sweet
- Beautiful—be specific
- It looks beautiful on you
- Charismatic
- Does not smoke
- Well-groomed
- Nice
- Pleasant
- Looks good
- Likeable
Extra-strength complimentary expressions
(They have no independent meaning, but are added to another compliment or to a situation in which the subject is evident.)
- There is nothing like it
- A champion
- Out of this world
- Amazing
- An expert
- Wonderful
- Special
- Excellent
- Charming
- Something else
- Marvelous
- Outstanding
This response was translated automatically from Hebrew and has not yet been reviewed by a person. Therefore, it may contain inaccuracies and should not be considered a definitive reference.
