I have trouble appreciating my husband, and it’s also hard for me to say a kind word to him, to praise him. What I can do to improve the situation?
Of course, mutual appreciation is one of the main things to hold the home, and the spouse (like every person) needs to be appreciated and to be complimented sincerely from time to time, this is a basic need everywhere (at work, at school, in the family, and at most in marriage). And in educating children, the ability to find positive points in our children and emphasize them for ourselves and our children is a great way they can build them self’s. And even at work, a boss who knows how to give good feedback and not just look for something to comment on, may get more results down.
It is known by the name of the Kabbalistic the tzaddik Rav Zion Bracha z”l, who commented on the verse in Psalms (chapter 119): “seven times a day I praised you” – that every man should praise his wife at least seven times every day (quoted in the book of Bless His People, page 11). And Rav Simcha Cohen, zt”l, was used to saying that whoever doesn’t say at least five compliments to his spouse every day hasn’t really gotten married yet… And he would add that a husband who doesn’t tell his wife that the food tasted good, after all, is a thief, because the real reason she worked hard on the food, is simply to get the compliment for it.
And when it comes to compliments from the wife to the husband, there is also another need besides the aspect of the praise itself, because it is the masculine nature that it is important for a husband to benefit his wife, this is what gives the husband the true satisfaction in marriage, and if his wife does not give feedback, he may feel frustrated and epic without knowing what it is about.
In order to try to help you a little in this important task, we will offer you some basic rules on the subject, followed by a list of ideas to build the compliments and praise.
Pay attention to the good deeds of others
Of course, the root of compliments is actually a “good eye”, paying attention to seeing the good deeds of others, and this is the point
of difficulty for many, because sometimes this degree of “good eye” is not natural to a person and needs practice. In contrast, it’s like physical exercise – the more you do, the more fitness you get, and later it becomes nature. But practicing this requires self-work, and as is well known, Rabbi Elimelech of Lizansk zt”l (in the form of his well-known prayer) would pray for this virtue: “let us see in our hearts each the good deeds of our friends and not their bad deeds.”
And an important tip: when searching for good deeds in one’s spouse and children, etc., it is also worth noting that “a person is close to himself” (Yevamot 22, b,) so that there is a tendency in a person to value more good deeds that belong to a field in which he himself is strong, for example, a person who is talented in the field of activity (for example, an activist, a successful person, etc.), may pay more attention than the good deeds that are in this field and less to the good deeds of character, On the other hand, a person who has a positive personality (for example, a good heart, a calm person, etc.) may give the weight of his assessments in the area of personality and not be so impressed by her blessed actions, and this is the way. Therefore, when we come to see the good deeds of our spouse and children and all those around us, we need attention to get out of our own area, and know how to appreciate every virtue wherever it may be.
Rules for a helpful compliment
And it is important to note, when complimenting others – the compliment must be “sincere”, you must really believe what is said, 
because otherwise the other side will certainly not “buy” the compliment, if consciously or subconsciously he will feel falsified and feel worthless “flattery” instead of constructive and encouraging praise.
And another particularly important rule, which is not always known to the public: one must pay attention (and this is what one must develop the right sensitivity for) that when complimenting the spouse or any other person, do so from a place of “the same level” and not from a place of condescension. Because if you feel in your heart, “I’ll now praise you to give you some self-confidence,” there’s not much value to such a compliment, because the other feels humiliated (even if unconsciously). And if there are class differences, Such as a parent of his children or a teacher of his students, etc., it is “not so bad”. but the most desirable and useful compliment is, out of a feeling that “I am praising you for such a wonderful good deed”.
By the way, there are people who are afraid of compliments, as if it obliges them, but we must not give up because every person needs appreciation, so with them you have to compliment wisely and gently. And by the same way: a person should know how to receive compliments, not that one should be proud, God forbid, but simply to thank the person for the good word, to say “Thank you!”
List of good deeds – compliments – “being happy for someone”
One of the basic tools to help us pay attention to the good deeds of others is writing a list of good deeds. Just sit down and write down all your partner’s good deeds, and then wake up to see him/her in a much more positive light.
The list of good deeds is also important to consume compliments, so that it will be possible to “praise” the partner from time to time, to say a kind word and sometimes also to write a “praise letter”, because if we have written ourselves a list of praises, it will be much easier in action (i.e., when we notice that a certain good deed is being expressed now) to “pull out” the praise.
In order to make the job easier for you, here is a list of good deeds and compliments so that you can use from the list the good deeds that are (honestly) suitable for your spouse (or your children/students, etc.).Of course, this does not mean saying or writing these words as they are, but rather these words are “topics” on which the compliment can be developed, elaborated, expanded, and adapted.
It should be noted that some of the list are “slang” because finally a way for humans to praise (this gives the compliment a lighter and informal validity), so the user must know when to adjust their use.
Compliments on personality (traits)
Praises on Investment, Achievements
(In this area there is less need for a list because it is possible to note the achievements themselves, so the list refers mainly to the qualities of doing)
Praises on skills (subjects)
Spiritual praises
External encourage (for spouse)
Powerful Extras encourages
(They have no self-meaning, but are appendices to another organization or situation from which the subject is evident)
PLEASE NOTE*
Attention: You should not learn from one case to another, each case must be analyzed individually. Generally speaking, it's always best to have contact with a Rabbi in person, not just virtual contact. Note that where there is a local Rabbi("Mara Deatra"), one should ask him. The answers are under the responsibility of the rabbi who responded, and not under the responsibility of the website and/or the Head of the Institution.
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