How to choose a woman to marry?

Your question is important and disturbing to many young

men who are facing this chapter in their lives.

You have defined the goal well, to find a partner with whom you will live for a long time, a loving and happy marriage. A smart question is already an half answer, because already from this goal, we can reach the conclusion that we should not seek in a spouse the pleasure and love of the present, but rather the aspiration for a happy and loving marriage over time.

Indeed, the question is, what is the way and what are the means that can lead you to the right choice and decision, in the context of choosing the partner with whom you will live a good and happy life all your life.

In general, ‘decisions’ in any area of life stem from a combination of intelligence and emotion, while when it comes to the question of finding a partner, beauty and attraction are an emotional rather than an intellectual consideration.

The correct order in choosing the factors of influence to make the decision is that each first intelligence and then emotion. There are things that the mind does not let emotion interfere so much, such as when a person buys a washing machine, the mind determines that one buys according to quality and needs and price, and not according to beauty. However, there are things that the mind lets the emotion decide almost alone, such as choosing a picture for the living room or purchasing a bouquet of flowers for the holiday, but it is always the mind that determines how much the emotion should be considered.

When it comes to finding a partner, there is certainly a lot of room for emotion, which is expressed in the natural attraction to beauty or anything else impressive or attractive. However, since the decision to choose a partner is not a short-term and fleeting decision, but a long-term decision, with whom you will be married for the rest of your life, with G-d’s help, therefore it is the mind that must decide, especially in light of the fact that emotion naturally changes, and what looks beautiful and attractive at first, you get used to it quite quickly, so emotion cannot be a decisive factor in such an important decision and choice.

Therefore, in your approach to choosing a partner, it is your duty to emphasize what you have rightly stated to look for a woman with a personality and high values, because this is the attitude of the intellect, which should be addressed in such an important decision.

It is important to add that in addition to a good personality and high values, you should look for a woman who has good ‘midot’, patience and giving kindness and giving naturally and not just giving in order to get back, a woman who is willing to invest in building a home and a family. Because even a woman with high education and values, academic degrees or business ability, these qualities do not attest to her ability to establish a home and a family, and to live a happy married life in partnership and harmony, if she does not possess comfortable and good qualities.

Once the mind has decided that these basic facts exist in a woman, it is the role of the emotion to decide whether or not there is an emotional attraction to this woman.

Regarding emotional attraction, it is important to emphasize that the definition of emotional attraction is not se… attraction, but the pleasure of her pleasantness, the way she speaks, the pleasure of being by her side, chatting together and traveling together even without talking, to see if you like her.

If you succeed in following these rules, I am sure that you will be able to establish a home of love and happiness over days and years, because true love is created and strengthened over time, with giving and partnership.

Good luck

Rabbi David Ohayon

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