on: Hi I wanted to know what is the law with respecting our parents. My father has a personality disorder that unfortunately causes a lot of verbal , psychological abuse and drama to all those around him. I had to distance myself, my husbsd and my children during my parents divorce , due to my father not being healthy for them. I reunited with my father two years ago once he remarried . I do see the same cycle of abuse continue with his new wife and children. I allowed my father back in my life with boundaries but he has no control over himself and causes again abuse and drama towards my kids and my family. How do I keep the law of kivud Av when unfortunately with the mental disorder my father has it’s impossible to be able to live a calm life. His sickness is to hurt everyone around him and cause fights between people. He was diagnosed by a few psychiatrist for obsessive personality disorder and extreme narcissism . We also leave in a very large community and he talks about us to everyone , shaming and humiliating us . At this point I’m willing to take all the lashon hara said about my family and have no connection with my dad for the well being of my children . Am I being a bad daughter and will my children pray the price of me not keeping kivud av?
: Your wish is evident in the pain and conflict you are in. Know that the Mitzvah of Respecting Parents does not command the children to suffer or to be sorry because of their parents, and the Mitzvah of Respecting Parents commands us to respect the parents. So in your case that proximity to the father causes suffering to you and your family, you are perfectly allowed to maintain a healthy distance to prevent suffering. However, far from speaking badly about your father, you must respect him in front of him and your children as much as possible, talk about him only good things and speak only of his virtues. You should also endeavor to respect your father as much as possible by phone calls or by sending messages, etc., to the extent that he does not cause you suffering or sorrow. When you do so, there is no doubt that your children will also understand and appreciate your endeavors in respecting parents. With a blessing to complete health to your father and to rest and joy for you and your family. Sources
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