The boss/manager doesn’t know how to appreciate, is never satisfied, what can I do?

Hello and welcome,

We will try, with the help of Hashem, to provide some points for reflection that may be somewhat useful:

About the manager who doesn’t value your work:

It is a problem of great importance. The feeling of appreciation at work is a central component of the employee’s personal well-being, especially in an environment where the person invests a lot of effort. Our sages in the tractate Ta’anit (page 8) referred to this by saying: “If you see a student for whom learning is as difficult as iron – it is a sign that their teacher does not ‘show a friendly face’ to them,” meaning that the lack of expression of satisfaction from the teacher or supervisor can hinder the person’s progress.

However, it is important to highlight that changing jobs is not always an appropriate solution. First, I don’t need to remind you that finding a new job can be challenging; and second, problems of this kind can also arise with other managers, as it is a common phenomenon.

Therefore, the following steps can be considered:

1. Establishment of measurable personal goals: Establishment of measurable personal goals:

Set realistic and achievable goals within your role. For example, “next month, I will strive to increase sales by X percent” or “I will complete task Y within a defined deadline.” Thus, you will be able to experience a sense of success and internal satisfaction that does not depend on the manager’s evaluation.

2. Focus on emotional independence from the boss: Focus on emotional independence in relation to the boss:

Work on changing your thought patterns so that you don’t seek your manager’s approval or try to please them. This is an important internal work whose goal is to free you from this emotional dependency.

It is worth noting that, in many cases, people feel a lack of appreciation precisely when they try too hard to please the other party. This is a psychological phenomenon in which the party receiving the attempt to please may, unconsciously, distance themselves or devalue the giver.

Therefore, the moment you stop trying to please the boss, he may start to value your work. However, one should avoid placing this hope or expectation in their heart, as this hope actually stems from the desire to please, so as long as this hope is firmly established in their heart, it will still be difficult to see a real change.

Regarding the difficulty in dealing with criticism and the tendency to get irritated and upset:

In general, as a wonderful tool for self-control over anger, Ramban (Nachmaniades) in his famous letter proposes a simple yet profound method to deal with it: getting used to always speaking in a low and calm tone. This technique, if practiced daily, can reduce the intensity of the negative emotion.

And more specifically in your case: I believe that the two problems you mentioned are rooted in the same origin, which has already been suggested above: the feeling of offense and anger towards things directed at you probably stems from a self-assessment that largely depends on the opinion of others. When a person seeks their self-worth in the eyes of those around them, any comment that can be interpreted as negative can shake their confidence and cause a feeling of anger or deep hurt, as it touches the essential foundation on which they rely. To try to achieve relief in both problems, it is advisable, as mentioned, to strive (as much as possible) to be less dependent on the opinions of others to build your self-confidence. Try to find your strengths within yourself and seek satisfaction in your achievements, rather than looking for it in the opinions of others. I know it’s not easy, and it’s even very difficult for a person not to take into account the opinions of others. As the great tzadik, the Saba of Slobodka zt”l, said, every person needs a little respect, and without the presence of respect at all – a person cannot exist in the most literal sense (as mentioned in the book Ali Shor, Part 1, page 225), but at least it is possible to try to reduce dependence on it by focusing on their real successes and achievements, as mentioned above.

Another solution to both problems: praise everyone around.

Another piece of advice, which can be very useful for both issues, and which is a bit more practical (although it also requires personal work): practice seeing the positive points in others and “praising” them (not from a place of flattery, God forbid, but from a genuine place of how you truly feel), and thus we will gain, with God’s help, some things:

• A person who is in a mental position of “receiver” – who seeks to “receive” approvals from the environment, who wants others to value and express appreciation, may feel in an inferior and needy situation, and this situation even “invites” humiliations, as people who do not work on their own character can “step on” those they identify as weak. The moment you are in a state of “supporter,” you will be in a state of “giver,” “grantor,” you will feel much more elevated (and will no longer feel the need to “receive,” as this is an opposite mental position), and others will also treat you according to that feeling. Here are the words that the wise said in Ethics of the Fathers (Pirkey Avot), Chapter 4, Mishnah 1: “Who is considered respectable? “Whoever respects others.” Consequently, you will also not get angry, because you will not feel humiliated, and there will really be no reason to get angry, as they will not trample on you with God’s help.
• King Solomon revealed to us a great secret (Proverbs 27): “As in water the face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects man” – what a person feels towards their neighbor influences the neighbor to feel the same towards them (and see Tosfot Pesachim 113b, d”e she’ra’ah – thus far things reach). Therefore, if you value those around you, they will also value you, and if you express appreciation for them, they, with God’s help, will do the same for you. (Something like this is not built in a day, but change can surprise positively, if God wills).

And it is true that the path to change requires continuous inner work, but every small step you take in the right direction will bring you closer to a more balanced and peaceful life, with God’s help.

Good luck!