You touched on a very important point. In our generation, listening has become a difficult task. The workload, the stress, the stressful routine, and the barrage of stimuli around us—all of this erodes the patience of the mind, hindering our true freedom to listen.
Even when we are physically with the children, we are often busy, in a hurry, or simply exhausted. And so, the child talks—and we listen, but we don’t really hear. Not because we don’t care—but because our mental strength is being dispersed among a thousand distractions.
However, despite all the difficulty, you are absolutely right that we cannot “allow ourselves” to underestimate children’s need to listen. Therefore, we will strive to develop this topic in the spirit of God.
Children, more than adults, seek not only to have their words heard, but also to have their hearts touched. When we talk about education, we tend to think of teaching, boundaries, and values—but at the heart of all this is the simple and profound ability to listen.
There is a profound difference between “hearing” and “listening.” In the book Yeriot Shlomo, by Rabbi Shlomo Pappenheim zt’l (p. 586), he defines “listening” as meaning: “a theoretical feeling in the sense of hearing.” In other words, a person can hear a sound but not truly absorb its content. But this isn’t just about “content.” In the book Ein Avraham (on Shabbat, p. 213 of the book’s pages), he wrote about the difference between “listening” and paying attention: “Listening teaches that one listens… with a good heart.” In other words, the listener may absorb the content, but not the emotion, while the person paying attention also opens their heart!
However, listening is an art. Because it’s not enough to listen to a child if they don’t know they’re being heard! You need to show them that they’re being heard (from a sincere and genuine point of view, not as a show), and the ways to do this will be explained later with Hashem’s help.
The importance of listening in education and child development Child
First of all, it’s important to understand the importance of listening, and this in itself is a tool for success in the task, as understanding its importance gives us the patience to invest. Among the great benefits of listening, we can mention:
Satisfying a basic emotional need – “being seen.”
Children need to feel truly noticed – not only in their behavior, but also in their inner world. Listening creates a profound experience of “being seen.” In other words, listening gives them a sense of reality and belonging.
Strengthening Self-Confidence
A child who is listened to feels valued and possesses content worthy of being heard. Thus, listening strengthens their sense of competence. And, by the way, truth be told, in the end, it’s not excessive to learn something from your child, no matter how small (sometimes, it’s the little ones who say honest things that the greatest of sages wouldn’t know how to observe on their own), and as the Sages said (Yevamot 63:1): “This is what is commonly said: Denafik minach – Taama melphach!” [Your child, who comes from you, expects from you]”.
Helping the child understand and process themselves
Parental listening is not just an act of giving, but a process that allows the child to process and understand themselves. When a child speaks, they organize their thoughts, feelings, and identity. Listening allows them to discover themselves through speech.
Developing language, communication, and emotional expression skills, and therefore also regulating emotions.
A child who is talked to and listened to learns to talk about their feelings, to understand the feelings of others, and to conduct themselves in the emotional and verbal world in a rich and healthy way. When a child can express their feelings to a caring parent, they learn to recognize them, name them, and respond to them calmly and in a controlled way.
Deepening the emotional connection between parents and children
Listening is an expression of respectful love. It builds trust, openness, and an interpersonal connection that enables a lasting and meaningful relationship. It is worth quoting what he wrote in the book Siach Yosef (chap. 3 – p. 244): “Buying gifts and sweets is no substitute for caring, paying attention, and listening to a child. Emotion comes from the Hebrew word gesher. Do you want a bridge for a child? Express emotion.” Therefore.
A solid foundation for future educational influence
When a child feels understood, they are more open to receiving guidance, authority, and being approached, even at older ages. Even when we show a child that their world interests us, they are also more willing to accept the world we have to offer, since there are no barriers between their world and ours.
Reducing extreme reactions and negative behaviors
Listening allows a child to express emotions and be understood, preventing situations where turbulent emotions translate into inappropriate behavior.
Education by personal example
A parent who listens shows their child how to be considerate of others. Listening teaches sensitivity, respect, and patience—without uttering a word of morality. A child who has learned that listening is valuable at home will grow up sensitive, empathetic, and attentive.
A sensitive diagnostic tool for parents
By listening, a child reveals their world—sometimes unintentionally. The parent learns to discern what’s between the lines and, thus, understand what the child really means. need.
Keeping an open channel for future sharing
When children repeatedly experience that their parents listen to them, even in small or unimportant matters—with patience and forbearance—they learn that their relationship with them is a safe place. As a result, even in delicate or complex situations, in which children might naturally hide, the likelihood of them turning to their parents and choosing to share with them increases significantly. This allows parents to take an earlier and more helpful approach, precisely in situations where significant parental involvement is necessary.
Listening in the Face of Limits and Masks
Listening to a child, even when a punitive measure is required of the parents, does not mean giving up a structure. On the contrary, when the child feels understood, they become more capable of accepting authority. Listening creates a connection, and connection creates cooperation. [And, with all this, listening to a child does not necessarily mean that they must understand what is asked of them; the key is that parents do what is right.]
But it is important: in contrast to modern psychology, which says that parents should be like “friends,” of children (and the sad results of this approach are evident in this generation…), the approach of the Holy Torah is that there is a clear hierarchy, that parents are a higher authority, and this hierarchy is important for children. It gives them security and peace of mind, and therefore, listening to children is done from the position of a loving father, from the position of a loving mother, and not from the position of a friend.
Practical Advice on the Art of Listening with Parents
A. Advice for Developing Inner Patience for Listening
When listening, one should seek to fulfill the positive commandment of “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
In the book Kaasher Tsiva Hashem [“As God Commanded”] (p. 10), he wrote something wonderful: When one listens to one’s children, one should seek to fulfill the commandment of kindness (“Love your neighbor as yourself”), for there is great kindness in this toward one’s children. And if the story is long, every word one hears is considered by one as the fulfillment of a positive mitzvah, and all of this for free… One should consider that it is no less a mitzvah than putting on tefillin, praying, waving the lulav, eating matzah—all these are positive mitzvot: “And be careful in both the light mitzvah and the serious one, for you do not know the reward of mitzvahs” (Avot, Chapter 2, Mishnah 1).
Remember the meaning of listening for your child
When it’s difficult to hold back, it’s important to remember: for a child, listening is love and is what builds trust and connection, and we’ve already discussed the enormous benefits listening has for children. Remembering this meaning gives you the strength to continue listening, even when it’s difficult.
Change your interpretation: The child isn’t bothering you—they’re seeking connection.
Change your perspective: The child isn’t “getting tired,” but trying to connect with you in their own way. When they’re not seen as a nuisance, patience naturally increases.
Free yourself from the desire to control the conversation.
Sometimes, difficulty listening stems from the desire to dictate direction, to fix things, or to “make things happen.” Let go of control and make room for pure listening.
Remember that listening now is a long-term motivator.
As mentioned earlier, even if the conversation seems trivial, it builds a relationship that will bear educational fruit later. When we remember this, it’s easier to persist.
Take a short break before starting the conversation.
If you’re tired or busy, take a moment to breathe, drink water, and direct an inner intention. A three-minute conversation after preparation is worth more than ten minutes without inner presence.
Tips for listening – so the child feels truly heard
Make eye contact at eye level
Lean in or sit in front of the child and look at them. This way, they’ll feel that you are fully present with them – not above them or preoccupied with yourself.
Listen to the end
Even if you know what you’re going to say – don’t rush. Let the child finish; don’t finish the sentences for them. And even if you’ve already understood, wait until they finish saying everything on their own, otherwise they won’t feel the peace of mind of having been truly understood. Furthermore, don’t react or respond mid-talk. Listening itself is the message. The Sages have already said (Avot, Chapter 5, Mishnah 7) that one of the signs that a person is “wise” and not “incoherent” is that “they do not interfere with their friend’s words and are not afraid to respond.”
Content Reflection
Transparency is an important tool in listening, aiming to show the child that you understood their words as they formulated them. It involves concisely repeating, in your own words, the main points they made. “So you said this and that…” This phrase makes it clear to the child that you listened to them, and not only listened, but also understood their intention. Furthermore, reflection also helps the child better understand their experience and, sometimes, even clarify it during a conversation. When a child hears themselves through their parents, they feel present, important, and truly understood.
Reflect emotions, not just content.
For example: “It seems like you’ve been through some very unpleasant times…” – the child hears that you feel for them, not just understand what happened.
Respect even the “small” issues you see.
A child’s world is made of simple things. When you treat them seriously, you strengthen their sense of value and connection.
Ask questions that promote internal dialogue.
“How did you feel?” “What were you thinking at that moment?” – such questions encourage the child to think, understand themselves, and speak.
In conclusion: listening as an opportunity
Listening to children is not a luxury – it is the foundation for a deep, emotional, and values-based education. It is precisely in those moments when it is difficult to listen – when we are tired, busy, or impatient – that a great opportunity for growth lies. Every moment of listening is a building of trust, connection, and a shared journey.
If it’s difficult, it doesn’t mean you’re wrong, but that you’re human. And it also means there’s an opportunity here: to acknowledge the difficulty, empower yourself—and take another step toward sensitive and connected parenting.
Every word you hear today will build a bridge to your child’s world and, in the long run, to their adult world as well. When we listen, we don’t just hear. We are also built.
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