Is It Permitted to Force Marital Relations?

The word “force” is not appropriate in connection with marital relations. Marital relations, as their name implies, are a relationship of closeness between a man and a woman, stemming from a proper bond of affection, love, and joy. As the Torah says, “he shall gladden his wife whom he has taken”; this bond must come from a place of affection and willingness.

Therefore, insofar as marital relations verge on “forcing,” the answer is no: neither a husband nor a wife is permitted to force their spouse to engage in marital relations. This is forbidden, as ruled by the Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer 25:2.

However, one must know that at the time of marriage, husband and wife undertake obligations toward one another regarding proper marital relations. The husband undertakes this obligation to his wife in the ketubah, not to withhold her conjugal rights, and he is also obligated in this by a positive Torah commandment. The wife undertakes this obligation to her husband upon entering the wedding canopy. Therefore, even when one does not always feel the appropriate desire, for any number of reasons—such as mood, fatigue, some disagreement, and the like—each spouse is obligated by virtue of their commitment to the other to make an effort, to reconcile with themselves and with their spouse, and to overcome their difficulty in this matter. On the other hand, if, despite trying, one spouse feels particularly that on that day they absolutely cannot, forcing is not an option.

It is important to know that marital relations between spouses have supreme value in the eyes of the Torah and halachah. To the extent that if a wife or husband persistently refuses to engage in marital relations, this may, Heaven forbid, constitute grounds for dissolving the marriage.

Therefore, each spouse should make an effort and consider what the solution is so that both they and their spouse will desire marital relations with joy, affection, and love. In this way, they will bring blessing and the Divine Presence into their home, in accordance with the will of God, may He be blessed. For when a man and woman merit it, the Divine Presence is between them, and the Divine Presence rests only amid joy.

P.S. If the difficulty is not a one-time occurrence, it is recommended to seek counseling on the matter.

Counseling may be obtained from a qualified female rabbinic advisor on the “Meshiv Kahalachah” website by clicking “Questions on Marriage Counseling.” Discretion is guaranteed.